Published Essays: The Woman I Never Understood

http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleId=686135&publicationSubCat

When you cry, she cries more. When you hurt, she hurts more. And when you say you love her, she will only smile and whisper under her breath, “I don’t even have to say it; you know I love you more.”

Acceptance is a virtue. I was taught in high school that one thing I have to accept is my natural limitation in understanding everything, especially at my age. Then I was also taught to realize that as part of the emotionally confused youth, I tend to think I’m Superman and sometimes decide on big things on my own, not quite realizing they’re not for me to make. I do understand the cultural norms in life, both at the positive and negative levels, but it deeply struck me to tears when Mitch Albom’s For One More Day seemed to ask: “But do you understand her?”

I simply don’t. She always forgets her favorite movie titles. She always narrates her whereabouts at work. She always sleeps early at night. She always washes our clothes early in the morning. She always dozes over half of the movie she watches. She, more often than not, scolds our big sister for simply this and that.

But that’s all I see about her. It didn’t strike me at first that I should see her as a puzzle, a riddle; all that she shows to us is a big understatement of who she really is. In a daughter’s eyes, she is simply a mother. A caring mother. An overprotective mother. Like Chick Benetto’s mom, mine also nags me about everything. From schoolwork to socks to untied shoelaces to extra bottles of water to lunch bags, she always reminds me not to forget these simple things, and I’m like, “I know mom. I’m a Girl Scout, remember?”

Looking back, I figured I was not quite the Girl Scout at all. My busy school days left me forgetful most of the time and all I could do was call my mom back home for my silly school project. And she would always tell me she’s already on her way because she knew beforehand. She always knew. School clothes, my favorite lunch, and extra money — all those things. I seldom had to ask her; she always knew.

Like Chick, I also made my mom angry at times. I never got as far as smoking like when Chick hid cigarettes from his mom, but I always make mine mad by informing her about small trips or sleepovers at the last minute. She really hates panicking, she gets all upset and irritated. There was one night when my twin sister and I got home from school and quickly ran through our closets while we told her we would have a sleepover for a last-minute class practice. While she hid her utmost worry with lengthy reminders and more scolding, she diligently helped us prepare our stuff and even made us nice sandwiches for dinner. Then she kissed us a long goodbye.

At times when I thought I was able to successfully slip past her doubts and rejections about such trips, I tried to analyze why I still had to escape from her strict methods. I began to wonder how mothers get their exaggerated protective instincts about everything, and why we kids should have to endure it.

But then my high school mentor, Josephine Bonsol, also a mother, taught me how to understand my mom more. She said I should take into account the sufferings and frustrations she may have gone through when she was young, making her what she is now and unconsciously imposing on us the strict methods she was once also under.

I remember one of her stories about her mom being too strict with her, being the oldest one. She bitterly recalled how her mom always scolded her about everything even though she didn’t do anything wrong. But what I admired about my mom the most was her determination not to physically hurt us the way she was paddled with a dos-por-dos during her childhood days.

I cannot say I fully understand her now because I can still see her only as my mother. I cannot see her as a woman who may have deeper stories and frustrations in life. It’s because she’s not only my mother: she’s also a daughter, a sibling, a wife and a woman.

But I can proudly say I love her more now, especially after crying over Chick’s ghost story with her mom. Mitch Albom made me want to value the days I can have thinking I may never have one more day with her.

But then again, at this young age with a promising future I believe would last for more than just one day, it’s hard to think I could lose her any day now. Although I was also taught to always think about what may happen in the future, it always seems like a macrocosmic concept — or reality — too big to be grasped by a 17-year-old. My head’s always filled with the things I want and dream to do — watch movies, travel around the world, get rich and be a “citizen of the world.” When I look at Mom, I simply see the woman who never failed to bring out the best in me and who supported me all the way, not the ghost who would haunt me and bitterly whisper, “Life goes quickly, doesn’t it? I miss you every day, Je.”

It’s heartbreaking when I think of it now. Maybe especially for Chick who wasn’t even there when his mom died. And especially when he actually had the chance to save her but he couldn’t because he had lied. I have lied to my mother a ton of times, and now I’m wondering if there should be a scheduled time I should admit it all to her, so I would not believe I didn’t trust her all along. Or maybe I should admit all of it now. Time can be tricky, I guess, and scary when you think there’s a lot more left but it’s actually even shorter than a day.

I know I will definitely cry when I lose her. But not with guilt. Not with frustration that I wasn’t able to give all the love a daughter could ever give to her mother. After all, she would then only whisper to me, “You can’t lose your mother, honey.”

But before my mom the ghost can even mutter it to me, I will not fail to say to her, “I love you every day, Mom!” Every day.

The "other side" of the white-haired woman

Chick Benetto: I saw her alive, right in front of my eyes.

Sometimes it only takes one day to fill up all the years you lost.


As part of the emotionally confused youth, I've always misunderstood my mother. At times I argue with her about the simplest things I suddenly realized were stupid enough. Ironically though I can never spit out the words she needs to hear from me, so she can tell her story and I can finally understand why she's like that.

"You can't be here."
"Why not?"
"Because you died."

True enough, nothing haunts like the things we don't say. Mitch Albom's For One More Day revolves around the ghost story of a mother and his son. Watching its adapted movie (produced by Oprah Winfrey), I once concluded it's a typical story of family love and the rest of its tragic conflicts. But taking it to the book, I realized it's how the story was told that made me want to love and understand my mother more.


Sharing the ghost story to his daughter, Charles "Chick" Benetto (Emmy Award-winning actor Michael Imperioli) recalled his tragic accident and attempt to commit suicide, and how he survived it with the help of his dead mother (Academy Award®-winning actress Ellen Burstyn) who appeared to him, in what most would say "inexplicable apparitions before death". For what appeared to be one ordinary day, Chick got to know his mother more and discovered a heartbreaking truth about the man he had loved more than his mom all through the years--his father and hero and baseball coach, having another family back then.

"Citizen of the World" Mitch Albom created a dramatic approach by letting Chick narrate his own story in the book; how he had struggled with the confusion of seeing his dead mother, and even inserted his mother's love notes to him during his first day in school and college. He had also recalled their rough relationship, divided in "Times My Mother Stood Up For Me" and "Times I Did Not Stand Up For My Mother".


The  story also observed how a child is culturally mislead when oriented with clashing principles, divorce,  family secrets and  big choices, thus making him carry the curse down to his own family and to himself. Chick had sought for his father's muted affection more, for his mother had given all her love too easily she didn't let him earn it. His father had also asked him he couldn't be both a mama's boy and a daddy's boy; he had to choose. 

Chick's ghost story portrayed the sad truth about today's parent-kid relationship as well. With social discrimation and entitlement disputes lurking in every corner of the world today, sons and daughters--as they grow up--are suddenly oriented with the culturally accepted norm of disregarding their time-worn parents. Less talk, less words, less calls, less visits.


It follows the worse truth that we youth make the least effort to understand our parents. Somehow it's very hard indeed, because the stained culture around us limit us to want to discover the "other side" of our parents. My mentor Ms. Josephine Bonsol has taught me to always try to understand my mom, because she may have frustrations when she was young that unconsciously made her pass it on to us.


In the end, what we kids don't realize and foresee are the days when we just want to hide under mom's dress and she's just not there. We don't foresee the days when we cannot taste their specialties anymore, when we can never use the word "mom" or "nanay" anymore.


What we don't clearly see, is the woman who's always going to save us at the end of the day.

The Single Swan Feather

MOVIE REVIEW: THE JOY LUCK CLUB


We ask ourselves," What the hell's wrong with mom?" But then we don't really want to know the answer.


This anger and complete misunderstanding may not be our fault to some extent; it must be this sensitive puberty stage, where emotions violently clash and erupt in what we think are the most lethal moments of our life.


But at the end of the day, we stil have to face the question and discover the truth, because after all, accepting mom as she is, is accepting who we really are.

The Joy Luck  Club

Like June Woo in The Joy Luck Club (from the best-selling novel by Amy Tan), I also wondered why my mom pushed me too hard in my studies. She became too drunk from others' compliments whenever I get an award and a P20-gold-painted medal. I, on the other hand, became too drunk with studying so hard I wasn't able to distinguish whether mom was still pushing me or it already became a habit of mine to make a fool of myself.


I would remember how she nailed me to my seat, saying I couldn't play outside unless I memorize the computer keys. But then I would also remember how she made a twist and thrilled us (me and my sister) with a game about the letters of the alphabet. Whoever won got a horde of Pochi candies.


Looking back at her stories when she was younger, I realized she, too, got huge hopes for me. She had bitterly recalled how her mom (my lola) compared her to her beautiful cousin because the latter got better grades. She would always tell us how she wondered why lola always seemed so angry at her and used to scold her everytime.

But then she had bragged to lola what she had become, with daughters always at the top of their class. Then she would degrade her beautiful cousin to us who didn't even graduate from college back then.


I realized that's how she was brought up, and I could never blame her for that. I believe she never expects anything more from me; she only hopes I would live a life better than hers.

Sometimes I would also wonder how powerful she could be as a mother. It became hard for me to ask permission to buy something or go out with friends. I always thought she would never agree or would scold me first. Just like Waverly, I've become too uneasy around mom and even once had this obsession of finally making her happy and proud of me in any way I could, even if it seemed physically impossible.


But then it must be the cruelty of her childhood she was not able to cut off from herself that she unconsciously passed it on to us. All that comparison issue, lola's unexplained hostility towards her, and the responsibility she shouldered as an eldest sister. So then I couldn't blame her all the more.


Somehow there were also some things she passed on to us on purpose. When she was younger, she also received ocassional physical punishments spelled with only one word: dos-por-dos. She has told us she promised herself not to inflict the same pain to us. Like Auntie Ying-Ying, although there were things she was not able to give to her daughter, she was ready at any cost to cut any curse her ancestry had etched so her own family would not be the same again.

I liked An-Mei's story the most, how her mom killed her own self and "gave up her own weak spirit just so she could give her daughter a stronger one." Her story also made me realize I should know my worth by now. I am very like my mom after all: we both want to cut the curse and pass the opposite trait to the next generation, just like what An-Mei tried to teach to her tragedy-stricken daughter Lena.


It must be a bitter truth that every generation experiences the same fate, the same mistakes, the same curse, the same judgements. Watching The Joy Luck Club, I realized, what I am today is not my mom's fault; it's lola's fault, and not even her; it's her mom's fault, and her mother's mother...


The blame goes on, but it shouldn't matter. What should matter is any daughter's belief that her mom had also given her the single swan feather: it may look worthless, but it comes from afar, and with it carries all her good intentions...


I love you mom.